Dating. Not like serial dating. Or dating just because its Friday night, you're hungry and you're too cheap to buy your own nice dinner. But dating for the purpose of marriage. To find "the one." Dating like actually spending hours, weeks, months talking to and getting to know someone to see if they a) exhibit hidden signs that they will beat you and lock you in a closet once you're married b) turn out to be a lazy ass and expect you to be the sugarmama c) be cheap as hell and make you save bits of soap and pieces of string to feed your kids with or d) actually love you unconditionally. Warning: the likelihood of "D" occuring is less than your chances of winning the Powerball and if you do happen to win, just like all other Powerball winners - your haters and surrounding leeches will leave you even broker than you were before.
Dating Up: Do it only to make an ex jealous. Or because the person you're dating hasn't realized their dating down yet. Make it quick. Don't talk too much. And take lots of pictures for evidence to show your friends later. It won't last long. You'll either get bored to death because Mr. Up has no brain/personality/manners/common sense/goal in life or...he'll find someone eye-level the next time he's at the gym/clubbing/buying milk/picking up dry-cleaning...or worse...buying you a gift from Bebe.
Dating Eye-Level: You meet him at work. Barnes & Nobles. Starbucks even. Its instant. Its mutual. Its eye-level. Run away. Run far far away. "No way!" you think..."This is what Jennifer Love Hewitt and Julia Roberts movies are maaaaaaaaade of! I've been waiting to feel like this for years! (or months in case you do this all the time like SOME of us who shall remain nameless.)" Dude - seriously. You're both going to be so ecstatic to find someone who is equally as bodacious as the other one thinks they are (or have been told by their friends in consolement over the last time they were dumped by that other eye-level guy they dated)...that you'll be fast and furious in your plight to win eachother over. Then what? You live happily ever after? No no. What happens is that you start to think about all of their flaws and they think about your flaws and every little thing starts irking the hell outta you. His friendliness turns into "must you talk to every girl in here?" and her sportiness is now "actually kinda butch" and HOW could you not notice it before because you were too busy thanking your lucky stars for being so blessed as to run into someone so hunky while you were bumping hands at the milk and sugar counter trying to add more splenda to your equally unsweet Peppermint Mocha Cappuccinos -- "that's YOUR favorite drink too? Ohmigod, we are MEANT to be." Face it hunny, everyone loves PMCapps - that's why its been a $4.89 a pop cash-cow for SBUX for 5 years and growing. Congratulations, you've got the dynamic all wrong again. And really - why date eye-level? Looks fade. Fast. Then what's left? Nothing but pictures of a once hot couple but agonies over all of the other things that never fit quite right. Bah humbug. All this sorrow makes me crave a Peppermint Mocha Cappuccino right about now.
Dating Down: But there is one way to acheive finding the person of your dreams and not being driven to an addiction to crystal meth lying on the side of some country road in Ogeechee, Georgia like that ex-Lotto winner we hear about on Dateline NBC every now and then. Now I know what you're thinking.."what a horrible thing to say!" but think about it. The examples are endless. Jennifer Lopez marrying Mark Antony. Julia Roberts marrying cameraman Daniel Moder (who?). Catherine Zeta-Jones and Micheal Douglas (ew). Its True! When one party knows that they clearly dating up, they aren't going to mess that relationship up! They might actually act like a normal human being. That's what dating down does - brings you the security of knowing you'll be taken care of. Knowing you won't be short-changed. Knowing you won't ever be taunted for that ONE thing you are or did or said or became that suddenly made you the one who's dating up. So give up those dreams of spending life with Matthew McConaughey because he'll forever be dating up (proof: he's almost 40, dates South American models ONLY now and has never been married) and find yourself a Micheal Douglas..only maybe not so close to renewing their AARP membership...for the 7th year in a row.
