Ramzan. Its that time of year again. Spring roll wrappers and filo dough fill the freezer. Never have we bought more bags of onions and potatoes than we do this month. Pressed shalwar kameezes and sandals hang in the closet ready to wear to the next iftar party where there will undoubtably be my least favorite food in the world - random delicious fruits choked by garam masala and lal mirch infused chaat masala. I bring my dish of dahi bare or achari aloo or keema samose and accept the iftar invites but while everyone else wishes eachother Mubarak and joy, I get a bittersweet feeling of regret and sadness inside. I return the wishes because its the right thing to do -- but for me, Ramzan will never be the same without the man who taught us how to celebrate it and made it mean so much. For me its lost its core and power as a time for families to come together, lost its flavor to attend taravee together, lost the joy of waking up to a household competing for hot water as we all shower before Eid namaz..for me...nothing besides the slowing down of my metabolism and burning feeling of starvation inside make the month feel so different from all of the other ones.
Anything now related to Ramzan seems almost self-indulgent to me. Self-realization, purifcation of my heart, praying for hopes and dreams for myself, helping others to make myself feel better...I don't know...I just...can't see the beauty in it anymore. Wrong as it may seem to say it, I don't find any joy in the month anymore. I fast of course and pray as always but that's because its farz and my relationship with Allah is ever-strong. But to "celebrate" in the essence of the word just doesn't feel right, it doesn't fit in my life anymore. When the month is over, Eid is just another day to miss what used to be, what could have been, what will never be again.
Every Eid for the past 2 we've celebrated without the head of our household is a day of worry for me. How sad will mamma be? Will my brother feel awkward seeing all of the fathers and sons together in Eid salat? Who will he hug first in the men's section, another stranger to the left or the right of him? I make plans to replace the Eidee we once got and mamma makes sure she does something special too. But they seem like mere gestures of our culture and there is an emptiness abound. I know that there are many others that are in the same boat I am so I wonder how they feel. I often just end up feeling bad for them too so its probably better that I don't wonder.
I have started a new tradition though to give the month of Ramzan a soul again. I can't turn into a kaffir or weaken the religious threads I've built so to keep the bitterness from taking over I've decided to make a Ramzan resolution for myself. Self-indulgent? Probably. But it gives me purpose for my rozas so as long as I see a bigger picture, a view of the future of what I may someday create for my children, I indulge. Last year I resolved to learn new surah's related to spirits and asking Allah for daddy's place in heaven. This year I think I'll add onto that and make a resolution to go out of my way to be nice to people.
My travels give me tons of opportunities to be helpful...but because I'm usually dead tired or cranky, I'm usually not in the mood to be bothered. But this year, I'm going to try and lend a helping hand..or lend someone a pen. I'll reach in the overhead cabins and lift down bags for women with kids or old people with arthritis. I'll stop giving the customs guy a dirty looks and snarling at him because he can't tell the difference between me in my yellow cargo pants and matching leather canary handbag and Osama bin Laden...its our own people's fault so I guess I should get over it...although come on!! Do the officers really think I polished my nails in "Perfectly Posh Pink" just so I could take pins out of grenades with them?
I've started today by biting my tongue when my insolent business partner asks me an equally insolent question. I've ignored the coworkers who walk in with hot garlic bread and pastas for lunch as they eat in the cubes beside me (who likes garlic bread? I know, but Italian always seems like the food of choice when you're stomach lining is wearing away.) I smile at others instead of walking with my head down into the office. I hold the elevator door open instead of pushing it to rushedly close on the fools that are going to fill it up and waste an extra 3 mins out of my day. I may even tip the full 20% to waiters this month if I eat out for dinner...wait wait...I must really be hungry because my mind is just wandering away from me now....
