Decoding 101

It occured to me the other day that my medium-leather-Dolce-studded-bag (haven't bought it yet, I can't seem to justify the $$$$ but man is she pretty!) of skills include me having a knack for decoding guy-speak. Whether or not that's a good thing is, quite frankly, a whole 'nother blog topic, but one worthy of starting the train on. It happend over tea and hookah with my girlfriends one evening when we were assessing a round of cocky, gamer, oh so good-sounding guy-speak that we women all too often come across and spend hours and hours pondering the meaning of. I'll admit...there once might have been a time when I, too (shocking, I know), could spend hours on end with my BFF...deciphering the meaning of one silly sentence like "Maybe I'll call you tonight." and ending up contorting it into "Girl, you should do something to make me call you like send me some really aggressive signals/texts or better yet, actually, maybe you should call ME first, perhaps 3 hours prior to sunset to tell me that you're looking forward to me calling because that's the kind of motivation I need when I say 'maybe'."

Ok, so maybe we weren't the smartest of 19 year olds and had waaaaaaay too much time on our hands, but now that I've actually earned my non-MRS degree from college and barely have time to take a deep breath, my friends and I realize that spending any more than 4 seconds on a statement made by a man is a waste of existance. So for all of those ladies out there who pine away hours of your life trying to figure out "what he means"...first let me tell you that you could be deep-conditioning your hair to a silky lusterfull exuberance instead and secondly...here are some decoded statements to help you on your way:

1) (when asked what he wants from you) "That's a loaded question, I don't think I can give you answer to that so quickly."
a) its a simple friggin question and b)HE MEANS: he doesn't want anything more than a 14-day money back trial from you (he's also keeping the "S&H" so don't go giving him any free milk.)

2) "I'll try to give you a call later.
HE MEANS: "...if someone else more exciting/attractive/easy doesn't call me first."

3) "I miss you."
HE MEANS: "I'm lonely and bored."

4) "I really miss you."
HE MEANS: "All of my boys are now married and I'm really lonely and bored. Entertain me."

5) "I'm not looking for anyone else."
HE MEANS: "My internet is down right now and my boys and I aren't going out tonight."

6) "Why don't you believe me?!"
HE MEANS: "What part of my lie wasn't well thought out and elaborately explained?"

And for those of you auspiciously hopeless romantics, here are some statements that I've found to be...well, exactly what they are. Yeah yeah, I have a soft spot too. Tell anyone and we'll fight. Seriously, I'm not a misanthrope...here...let me prove it. If you're hearing any of these from your boy du jour, he's a keeper:

1) "I can't stop thinking about you."

2) "How did I get so lucky?"

3) "When can I see you?"

4) "I don't want to see anybody else but you." (*note that this is different from him telling you he's not seeing anyone else because the fact that he isn't in no way implies he wouldn't jump like a bronco if the opportunity presented itself.)

5) "I'm in love with you."

Now keep in mind that the above 5 statements could also be complete and utter lies depending on the caliber of man (sorry, sorry, I had to say it), but I usually find that the shorter, simpler, more precise the statement and the more deliberately he delivers it, the more likely it is to not be a pile of rubbish. So remember, if your conversations with him are filled with pauses, 'hmms', ums, or monotone lines, its probably time to hang up...for good. If not, continue fluttering away in your summer dress towards him; field of yellow daisies optional.